Division of Property in a Divorce: Is Equitable Distribution More Equitable?

division property usa divorce(US family law) One of the first things a couple in the process of divorce will need to know is if the state you live in is a community property state or an equitable distribution state. A community property state allows for all of the property acquired during the marriage to be, loosely speaking, divided in half. An equitable distribution state differs in that it aims to provide a fair and balanced approach based on many different facts about the marriage and both parties.

Not mandating equal split of the assets, but rather an informed and possibly unequal distribution can be the best way to decide these issues in some cases, which is why some most states practice equitable distribution instead of community property. Your divorce attorney should help you understand how the law works in your area, whether you live in a community property or equitable distribution state.

Community Property

Community property states include Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin. Alaska allows couples to opt in for community property, and Puerto Rico is also considered community property jurisdiction. For couples who get married in a Community Property State, whatever they earn or acquire during the marriage is co-owned equally by both husband and wife, and will therefore be split up equally in the event that the marriage dissolves.

The only exemption to this equal split is property inherited by one party, which would stay with that party completely in the event of a divorce.

The principle behind community property states lies in the collective family unit.

While two people are married, the fruit of their labors should go toward bettering the family unit, a community pool that exists for this very reason. In this sense, the community property states do have a valid argument. Let’s examine the typical scenario that some people might think of in the event of marriage dissolution.

Consider Bob and Sally

Imagine a husband Bob with a high paying job; he is the primary financial provider. Imagine the wife Sally also has a good job, but she only works part time due to the care she provides their one year old son Bobby Jr. Sally not only spends quality time taking care of Jr., she also cooks, cleans and acts as a sort of assistant to the ever forgetful Bob. If, over the course of the marriage, Bob manages to pay off his mortgage and save some money for a total asset value one million dollars. Suppose Sally was only able to contribute 30,000 to savings over the years. What little money she made she spent on clothes and entertainment, but it didn’t matter much to the family at the time because Bob was making more than enough for the both of them. Bob really appreciated the “feminine touch” Sally brought to the house, the home cooked meals and that Bobby Jr. didn’t have to spend most of his time daycare being raised by some stranger.

Many people argue that because Bob and Sally were working as a team for the good of their family, Bob would not have been able to be where he is today without Sally’s many contributions to the family, and there is just no way to put a price tag on that. With that mindset, it should make sense to just split everything in half right? Since Bob’s and Sally’s assets equal one million dollars plus the 30,000, they both should receive $515,000. This is what would most likely occur in a community property state.

This can also be seen as very unreasonable, it really can’t be that hard to figure out that “price tag” to put on Sally’s contributions.

Equitable distribution

Equitable distribution is all about finding a more balanced division of assets based on many factors. Many things enter into the equation such as how long the marriage lasted, what the established standard of living was, and the value of childcare and homemaking that each party contributed. Even whether one party invested in the other’s education or training, and the age, health, income or future earning capacity of both parties should be considered when trying to divide property. The goal here is not to split assets and debts directly down the middle and have Bob and Sally go their separate ways, the goal is to figure out what is most unbiased and fair distribution of property considering the circumstances.

Florida, for example, is an equitable distribution state so the outcome of the divorce might be somewhat different than both receiving $515,000. The court will start at that number (equal halves) and then perfect it based on the many factors stated above. Perhaps Sally would receive a little less, but it will be her equitable share. Sally may get the home to raise Bobby Jr. in until he grows up since she has put so much effort into making the house a home, and being there for Bobby Jr. as he grows.

Florida is also a “no fault” state, meaning that the division of property is not affected by the fact that either party has been unfaithful. It would be a mistake for Sally to assume that Bob’s affair would get her more property than him in the divorce proceedings. A divorce attorney  should be contacted should you have any queries.

There are a lot of factors to consider in the division of property, but ultimately each equitable distribution case will be different.

A Collaborative Divorce Interview: Clients and their Attorneys

In November 2013, Tyler Nelson and Pamela Nelson of Tampa, Florida, sat down for an interview with The World of Collaborative Practice Magazine.  The Nelsons had decided to Divorce using the Collaborative Process, as they did not want to fight in Court and they wanted to focus on the best interests of their daughter.  Tyler was joined by his collaborative attorney, Adam B. Cordover, and Pamela was joined by her attorney, Joryn Jenkins.  The interview was conducted by carl Michael rossi.

You can find the full interview at The World of Collaborative Magazine, and you can find excerpts below.

Tyler: A child needs her mother and father, even if they’re not together…Pamela was the one who found out about the collaborative process and told me about it. You know, you’re always going to have some kind of fear. Is this going to work out like it should? What is everyone going to have to do to make this work out? But as soon as I spoke with Adam about everything, all of my fears were gone. He explained everything and the way it was going to work, how it was going to work. I’m pretty sure Pam felt the same way, as soon as she spoke to her lawyer, she probably went through everything. That’s the one good thing about our lawyers, that they explained everything that was going to happen before it happened.

Pamela: Not everybody knows about collaborative divorce, yet. We really didn’t know until it was explained to us. It was a better process for us, rather than go to court and fight.

Tyler: Everything that needed to be addressed, has been addressed…Everything that we wanted to agree on, we did, and everything that we wanted put down on paper, it was.

Pamela: We also have different visitation rights with our daughter. More than, likely, other people have. We already had that situated, and we just needed to put it on paper. It was kind of different than normal people, where they only see their kids every weekend. We do our schedule every week, and we split the holidays. We had to work that out, and put that on paper.

Pamela: The judge actually said that she agreed that we were doing it the best way and that we were dealing with the divorce in a good way. Instead of people fighting and it being a bad thing, it was actually a good situation.

Adam: It was interesting that, at the end of that final hearing, Tyler and Pamela had their pictures taken with the judge. It was described afterwards as being not so much like a divorce setting, but strangely enough kind of like a wedding setting. They had their picture taken with the officiating person. Judge Lee was fantastic and was praising Tyler and Pamela for dissolving their marriage in a way where they keep their focus on their children and not on fighting. To divorce in a way that
was in the best interest of their daughter.

Joryn: I can’t remember doing another divorce where the judge congratulated the parties afterwards, and I’ve been doing this for thirty years.

Tyler: (regarding an interdisciplinary team) They told me about the financial manager [Monicas Ospina, CPA], and she was great. So was the psychologist [Jennifer Mockler, Ph.D.], she was great. They were all great.

Pamela: [The financial professional and mental health professional] were very helpful. They helped us with our tax returns, to see who should file for dependency exemptions to get the most out of it. And the mental health professional helped us stay on the same page with our daughter to make sure that we were doing the right thing. The psychologist made sure we were on the same page in how we were raising our daughter and determine what’s best for her.

Pamela:  (regarding the collaborative process) There’s no arguing, you know, there’s not really fighting or going back and forth or going to court or having the records be there out in public. There’s more privacy. I would definitely recommend it to anybody considering divorce.

Tyler: I have to agree with her…If you go and do the collaborative divorce, you have a lawyer there…They are not trying to make us fight. They are just there to write down what we want, and that’s the best thing about collaborative.

Tyler: We all sat down and talked. There was no arguing.

Pamela: The professionals worked around our schedules instead of us being court ordered to go to court on certain times and dates.

Pamela: (regarding going to the state-mandated parenting class) Everyone else was crying and hated their ex and wanted to kill them and I was like “well,
we’re friends, and everything is good.”

Tyler: “If anybody is thinking about doing a divorce, they should look into a collaborative divorce instead of jumping into it and going to court and fighting.”

Adam: “What I found excellent about this process and this couple, as opposed to the court-based divorces that I generally go through, is that when we were sitting around the table together with the mental health professional and financial professional, and we were talking, we weren’t just talking “civilly.”  We were talking in earnest.  We were actually just joking around at a few times and able to communicate in ways that you just couldn’t imagine doing in other divorce processes, even at a mediation table when there is the threat of litigation.

Joryn: “It is a much more protected environment, I think. It freed me up, and I’d like to think Adam, as well, to feel like we were teammates. We didn’t have to be adversaries, even though we were both representing different interests.”

Adam B. Cordover, Joryn Jenkins, Monica Ospina, and Jennifer Mockler are all members of Next Generation Divorce, formerly known as the Collaborative Divorce Institute of Tampa Bay.  Next Generation Divorce is made up of professionals dedicated to respectfully resolving family disputes.

Getting the Most Out of Your Family Law Retainer

family-lawThe day that you most dreaded in your divorce has come—the receipt of your attorney’s billing statement.  After having put it aside, and having found ten other things to open in its place, you are left with the one, unopened envelope, bearing your attorney’s logo, and certainly carrying no news of anything good.  You carefully open the envelope; you are surprised by how many pages fit into that one envelope.  Unfolding the pages of the billing statement, there it is for you to see: every single minute spent on your case, either detailed so precisely, you find it irritating that your lawyer would have been so picayune, or detailed so generally, you cannot understand how that much time was purportedly spent, doing so little.    And what is the only thing missing?  The majority of your initial retainer.

As a St. Petersburg practicing attorney with 26 years of experience in the Tampa Bay area of Florida,  the last twenty years having been spent in family/criminal and personal injury law as Attorney Hanks, P.A.,  I am here to tell you that I take no greater interest or appreciation in creating that billing statement, than you did to open and read it.  And not matter how much I prepared you for this moment when you first read and signed my fee agreement, you likely did not realize the math involved:  .10, the lowest hourly percentage for which most attorneys will bill, when applied to a $275.00 hourly rate, equals $27.50.  Ouch.   Read your letter to me?  $27.50. Sent you that email? $27.50.   That time, last week, when you called me to ask about your hearing date? $27.50.  And that is just at that hourly rate.   Applied to the higher hourly rate of attorneys in bigger cities or in bigger firms, those small activities could run $35.00 each ($350.00 per hour), $45.00 each ($450.00 an hour), and so on.  How quickly then, will your retainer be exhausted?

So, how can you prevent this?  What can you do?  My first suggestion, at least if you are not already in an hourly billing arrangement, is to ask your attorney for a flat fee quote, for part or all of your case.   This is not as unusual as it may sound.  Criminal Defense fees are standard flat fee arrangements.  Personal Injury and Probate fees are usually flat fee arrangements as well, though these will be based on a percentage of the recovery or the amount of the assets.  Professionally, I have had my fill of hourly billing arrangements, even in family law cases.  No client wants to see how much I am charging for an email response and I do not want to account for every email I send a client.  In this age of electronic communications, many of emails are sent when I am out of the office, either in Court waiting for a hearing, in a break between depositions, or even out to dinner with my family.  To have to account for them the next day or days after, becomes a burden.

For the attorney, the basis for a flat fee in a family law case, whether the case is a divorce, child custody, child support or paternity case, is the same as the basis for a flat fee in a criminal case.  Each case is going to have the same initial, basic components, and the same, initial procedures.    For my clients, in a Florida family law case, these are the pleading stage, the exchange of mandatory disclosure (financial documents), and the attendance at an initial, family mediation conference.  I know the amount of time each one of those actions takes, both before in preparation, during, and upon its conclusion.  No matter what the dynamics of the case, these three elements will be present.  For the client, the flat fee is somewhat of a relief.  They know that their case, at least up to a point, will cost  “X” amount of dollars.   I say up to a point, because mediation may not settle all of the issues in a case.  Depending on what issues are left over to be tried, then different amounts of time will be needed to bring the case to a conclusion.  But even in those situations, I will try to provide my client with a flat fee quote for their representation beyond the mediation, and through a trial.

But what if you are already in under an hourly billing arrangement, how do you get the most out of your retainer?

1.  Understand The Billing Arrangement.  Recognize that you are under an hourly billing arrangement.  Recently, I had a divorce client, who had received a billing statement tell me, “I didn’t know you billed for emails or phone calls.”  Well, most family lawyers do, as our time I one of the things we are selling.  Whether we spend ten minutes in a phone hearing on your behalf, or ten minutes answering your email, the cost is the same.   Therefore, clients should only contact an attorney, when he or she absolutely needs advice or information.   If you call me to ask if there is anything new in your case, I will be happy to tell you that there is no new update to provide you, but I have to charge you for having had that phone conference.

2.  The Minimum Fraction of Time: Keep in mind what I wrote earlier, that the minimum slot of time for which an attorney will generally bill you, is .10—six minutes or one tenth of an hour.  If you send me five separate, short emails to review, you will spend much more of your retainer than you would have spent, had you sent me one longer email to review.  The same applies to phone calls.  Ten phone calls over two weeks, will cost much more than one longer phone conference, or even an office conference.

3.  The Attorney’s Assistant or Paralegal.  Whenever possible, is to speak to the attorney’s assistant or paralegal, instead of the attorney.   My hourly billable rate in St. Petersburg, Florida, is $275.00 an hour, but I bill my paralegal at $75.00 an hour.  If you want to confirm your hearing date or time, you can get this information from my paralegal at a much better rate, than getting me on the phone.  Now this will not work for anything that requires legal advice or consultation.  In those instances, the paralegal should put you through to the attorney, but you will then get billed for having spoken to both.  However, for any time that you are simply seeking procedural information, contact the paralegal or legal assistant.  He or she can inform you just as easily as the lawyer can, and at much less of a cost.

4.  Follow instructions.  This would seem to be unnecessary to relate, but I have found this is the source of the greatest increase in billable time, and the greatest reduction of a retainer.   It is, though, quite basic, and at the heart of any successful representation.  Comply with your attorney’s instructions.   When your attorney asks you to provide certain documents, provide them.  I have had clients who have refused to provide many of the financial documents necessary for mandatory disclosure (tax returns, bank statements, etc..), on the belief that those records are either not relevant to the case (Florida’s financial disclosure requirements are the same—whether it is a new divorce or a modification of an older custody judgment), or the client believes the records should not be seen by the other party, for the sake of confidentiality.  This leads to additional and unnecessary communications with me or my paralegal, then to letters and motions to compel filed by the other side, and finally to an actual hearing, so that the client can be told by the family law judge, what I have been telling him or her all along—provide the documents.  And at that point, the client has not only run up his or her own legal fees, but now may be subject to paying the other side’s attorney’s fees, for having to take that step.  It is simply a waste of a retainer, and potentially hampers the progress of the case on the actual issues such as alimony, child support or child custody, if the client has to raise more money to continue the representation.

If you follow these steps, you can guarantee you will make your own legal representation more affordable and more effective.  And as a result, you will be more satisfied with your attorney, and more likely to refer a friend with a divorce, time-sharing or other family law case.  So, both you and your lawyer come out ahead.

 

Mark Hanks, Attorney Hanks, P.A.

Your Family Attorney

www.attorneyhanks.com

St. Petersburg, Florida

Copyright 2014

Representing yourself in Court? Good luck with that.

representing yourself in family courtI have had potential clients ask me, often with a cautious hope, whether their particular type of legal matter, is something that they can handle for themselves.  It is a question one would never ask a physician, an electrician, or an auto mechanic, but one that I believe, is often asked of attorneys.  I tell those individuals that the answer to that question depends on how comfortable they are with understanding and researching the law, presenting evidence, cross-examining witnesses, rebutting legal arguments, and making a persuasive argument to the judge.  Really, though, it is how quickly a person can gain and condense the specialized education and 26 years of experience that I have, into the time that person has to prepare for their hearing.

Recently, I appeared in Hillsborough County Court, in Tampa, for a Small Claims Pretrial Conference before Judge Gabbard.  My client was being sued over a nominal credit card debt, the type of case that over the past five years, has been prosecuted with greater and greater frequency.  Like many different types of court divisions, such as traffic, criminal or even some family divisions, the court calendar was a cattle call.  Of that the cases on that calendar, two individuals had decided to represent themselves.  The first was being sued, on behalf of a debt to a person who had owned the company he had recently purchased.  As the plaintiff was not suing the company, only the former owner, this was a debt for which the individual standing in Court was not responsible, and legally, could never be held responsible.  The plaintiff’s attorney was not about to point this out to the defendant, though he did try to change the subject whenever the judge tried to imply to the defendant—judges cannot give legal advice to either party, that the plaintiff had sued the wrong person.  Without any help or advice from an attorney, the defendant proceeded into a side room of the courtroom, and began discussing the terms of a repayment plan for settling a debt that he did not owe.   The second, unrepresented litigant, was a young woman suing someone on a debt.  In explaining to the judge why she had not gotten service on the defendant, she expressed frustration that the Sheriff’s process server did not do more to serve the defendant, when she was convinced the address she had provided was correct.  Again the judge could not advise this plaintiff, all she could do was reschedule the case for another pretrial conference, and tell the plaintiff to make sure she obtained service on the defendant.

In less than five minutes after their hearings, I told each of these strangers what they needed to know before and for the next time each comes to Court—perhaps to the irritation of the collection agency attorneys gathered in the Court room.  The two pro se litigants were fortunate that I did so, but the point is, neither of these individuals had any business going into Court without an attorney, or without even having consulted an attorney.

While these situations played out in the civil division of the Hillsborough County Court, I have encountered similar situations in St. Petersburg and Clearwater, especially in the context of Family Law cases.  I think in every domestic violence calendar (the hearings in which a Family Law Division Judge rules on entering or dismissing injunctions for the protection against domestic violence (commonly known as, “restraining orders”), that I have attended, at least one unrepresented respondent agreed to an injunction being entered against him.  Similarly, at least one unrepresented petitioner agreed to dismiss her attempt to get an injunction.  In those situations, no testimony is taken, the judge moves onto the next case, and I am not sure the individual parties know exactly what just happened.  And for those injunction cases in which one party has an attorney and the other does not?  There is clearly a mismatch, as the one without the attorney is required to follow the same procedural and evidentiary rules that govern the actual attorney.  As long as the lawyer is on his or her game, the pro se litigant will be kept from testifying to what someone else told him or her (hearsay) and kept from showing the judge what some law enforcement agency wrote about the incident (more hearsay).  From a professional standpoint, this makes for a very effective and satisfying presentation on the part of the attorney, and a very ineffective and even frustrating presentation on the part of the person representing himself or herself.  Why then, do pro se litigants go into that dark night so easily and willingly?

I am sure finances have much to do with it.  But given the number of attorneys out there, it is hard to believe a party cannot find an attorney whose fee requirements, or payment plan, can fit their budget.  And even if one cannot afford to have an attorney there beside them, at least they should consult with one beforehand, to get a better idea of their rights and how to handle the hearing.  I am willing to bet that almost every private and practicing attorney in a county, state or country, will sit down with a potential client, upon request, and advise them of their rights in the area of the attorney’s expertise.  Depending on the attorney and the attorney’s experience, it might cost a consultation fee, but the knowledge the person receives, will be well worth the value—both when walking in the courtroom, and when walking out.

Mark Hanks

Your Family Lawyer

Attorney Hanks, P.A.

www.attorneyhanks.com

Copyright 2014

 

 

Does Online Divorce Make Divorce Too Easy?

Self-divorce, divorce legal adviceIt seems like an entirely logical conclusion: if ending a marriage is now as simple as visiting a website and spending a few pounds, then divorce is clearly too easy. This criticism – which we face quite regularly – may appear entirely reasonable. It is, however, glib at best and, at its worst, nothing short of irresponsible.

Marital breakdown is unfortunate and, it is certainly fair to say, unpleasant for all concerned. Yes, marriage should be encouraged and those couples that experience difficulties that threaten their union should be provided with assistance. But if a couple cannot resolve their differences, then legislation exists that allows them to divorce for a very good reason: there is little point in keeping a couple that are unhappy together bound to one another. Yes, such a transition can be hard for any children that may be involved, but common sense dictates that this will not be more damaging than growing up in a household within which neither parental figure wishes to reside. That is not to suggest that more should not be done for children of divorce (helping them to adjust and regulating the damage that divorce can cause should be both parents’ and, indeed, society’s main concerns) but that, however perverse it may seem, that their parents’ divorce need not have a long-lasting and adverse effect if managed correctly.

Ultimately, divorce cannot be made to be too easy – it is, with very few exceptions, an extremely difficult and emotionally painful process. This is why so few people (if any) take the decision to end their marriages lightly and will do everything they possibly can to try and save their marriages before deciding to even separate. Following this, many even choose not to divorce for several years. They do so for a variety of reasons from remaining in the matrimonial property for the sake of their children to the need to finalise agreements before legally ending the marriage through to indecisiveness. Having worked at an online divorce company for almost five years know (and having assisted many people during this time) I cannot recall a single client having purchased our services within the first few months of them having separated.

I certainly do not feel that we make divorce too easy and that’s because, in my opinion, you cannot make a divorce too easy. You can provide a customer with a positive service that makes the process and experience more tolerable, but you cannot make it enjoyable.

Theres no such thing as a ‘good divorce’

divorce lawSix out of ten parents do not believe that a “good” divorce exists, new survey findings suggest. The findings, from a poll by the counselling charity Relate, found that the majority of parents who have been through a separation do not agree that there is such a thing as a good split.

A similar number of those asked also said that although they had tried to minimise the suffering of children involved, the separation had a negative effect. The survey also highlighted the lengthy process involved in a marital or relationship split, with only four in ten saying that their separation had been complete within a year. 10% of those asked revealed that a separation had taken more than five years to complete.

The chief executive of Relate, Ruth Sunderland, highlighted the potential negative impacts of parental separation on children, suggesting that it can cause school problems, mental and physical health issues, and alcohol misuse. She added that “having strong relationships that go the distance in good times and bad and knowing how to manage the separation process can improve outcomes for everyone.”

The study also found that the Christmas spirit appeared to have had little effect in holding relationships together, with the first Monday of January seeing more than 19,000 calls to Relate. This was a rise of 53% compared with the first working day in December. This day has become known as “Divorce Day”, with many law firms regularly suggesting that they are inundated with such inquiries early in the New Year. This year’s Divorce Day figures were up by half on last year’s total, indicating that the nickname is becoming more and more applicable.

Relate’s findings support a previous study by Netmums, the parenting website, which suggested that divorce and separation has a much more serious effect on children than parents acknowledge or recognise.

Further down the relationship separation spectrum, government plans to remove legal aid in family law cases means that firms are beginning to offer reduced price services.

The mediator Marc Lopatin is one such law professional, having set up a service which he believes can cap legal fees at £1,600 per party. The package can be found online at http://www.lawyersupportedmediaton.com.

 

This article was written by K J Smith Solicitors, specialist family solicitors in Reading, London, Windsor and Henley-on-Thames.

Tips on How to Cope with Divorce

People often say that the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, and a divorce are the three most stressful things a person can go through. Though these challenges are never enjoyable, there are ways to cope. This is particularly true when it comes to divorce; it may be the end of something, but it may be the beginning of something else.

The Incidence of Divorce in the United States

It is a common belief that one in two marriages will end in divorce. The actual statistics give some credence to this conception: per the American Psychological Association, approximately 40 to 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce; the number is higher for subsequent marriages.

There are a number of factors that lead to divorce, including the age of the couple when wed and their level of education.

The Future of Divorce

While the high rate of divorce may seem alarming, it doesn’t appear to be waning anytime soon. As reported by the Huffington Post, a survey conducted by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that 63 percent of divorce attorneys have seen an increase in prenuptial agreements over the past three years. This can be viewed simply as people proactively protecting their finances, but it can also be ominously viewed as people losing more faith in the sanctity of marriage.

Coping With Divorce

For people who are going through divorce, there are steps that can be taken to help with coping. These include:

Joining a Support Group: The old adage “misery loves company” is true in many situations. But it’s not because people inherently want bad things to happen to others; instead, people inherently want to know that bad things don’t happen to only them. A support group can show you that there are others going through the same situation.

According to Web MD, support groups can go a long way toward helping you heal. They give people a chance to share their feelings, learn from others, and meet people with whom they share commonalities.

Look at it as a New Beginning: Anyone who sees themselves wrapped up in or defined by an ex-spouse will have a difficult time moving on. Instead, looking at divorce as a new beginning and a chance to redefine yourself can help the road seem a little shorter and the load a little lighter.

You may do this by finding a new hobby, exploring a long-dormant interest, redecorating your home, getting a makeover, starting a book club, or doing something you’d never imagined before, such as visiting Europe or taking a singles cruise.

Help Your Children: Divorce can be especially hard for children; they often believe they are to blame. If you have children, remember to help them cope as you cope. You can do this by being understanding of their regressive or rebellious behavior, never asking them to take sides, and never using them as a way to get underneath the skin of your ex-spouse.

Be Open to New Possibilities: Divorce has a way of leaving you sour on the idea of marriage. This is perfectly natural. But keeping the sour taste in your mouth for too long might leave you missing out on something sweet. It’s always a good idea to keep at least part of yourself open to new possibilities; you just never know when something good might come along.

Randall Marbury, a former divorce attorney, is currently a freelance blogger and writer who contributes material on family law issues such as divorce, child custody, mediation and so forth.

How To Be A Good Parent Even After The Divorce

Being a good parent is hard enough on a good day. However, when you’ve just gone through a divorce, making sure that your kids are doing fine is always much harder. You can be a good parent after a divorce though so doesn’t think that this is an unattainable goal.

When you use your parenting skills in a divorce, you help teach your kids to deal with various challenges, helping them to grow into well-adjusted individuals. If you’re going or have gone through a divorce and are trying to figure out how to be a good parent through it all, use these tips.

Put The Child First:

Many times a divorce is going to be messy and complicated. You and your former spouse may hate each other and have trouble even being in the same room. However, this attitude isn’t going to do any favors for your child. You need to make sure that you’re not focusing on yourself throughout the divorce.

Since it can be a fairly lengthy process, talk to your children openly throughout the entire ordeal and ask how they’re doing. They may not be coping so well. Also, when you begin to figure out custody agreements and other important details that are about the kids, get their input. They may not be very happy about the entire situation, but involving them in the process and showing them that you care, is going to help with the transition.

Remember It’s Not About You:

Well, at least not entirely. Obviously, your divorce is going to be a huge part of your life, but you are an adult. You have increased coping mechanisms as well as a mature perspective that your children lack. If you’re starting to fall into the victim mentality, then make the decision to turn this attitude around.

Accept the fact that even in the worst of marriages, you probably made some mistakes as well. When you get to this point, you’re not only helping yourself, you’re also showing your kids that it’s OK to be wrong sometimes and you should always acknowledge your mistakes.

Look At The Positives:

It’s always hard to see anything positive coming from a divorce, but there are many life lessons that you can gain from going through this process. Similarly, your kids can also gain more experience from you. However, you can’t do this if you simply refuse to deal with the problem at hand. As you go throughout the divorce, take each experience as a life lesson.

Many of them are not going to be easy, but if you pay attention, you will come through this experience and be a wiser and stronger person throughout the rest of your life. Make sure that you talk to your kids throughout the process and mention some of the lessons you’ve learned. They can similarly take your lessons and apply them to their lives and future relationships.

Always Be Respectful:

When a divorce with children happens, it’s likely that both parents will have custody or visitation rights. This is going to be hard to deal with, but you can’t let your own feelings get in the way of your children’s happiness. Working through the challenges of successfully communicating with an ex is a goal, which you’re probably not going to get right the first time.

Try to maintain a respectful relationship with your former spouse. This not only sets a good example for your kids, it also helps to make the entire ordeal so much easier

These are a few of the basic ways to make sure that you continue to be a good parent both through and after a divorce. Divorce is difficult for both parents and their children, so make sure that you pay attention to your kids and continue to make them a priority throughout the entire process. Divorce can be a positive or negative factor in a child’s life depending on how you react to it. If you treat it as a learning experience, it can help to grow the relationship that you have with your children.

However, it does take time and effort, so make sure that you’re being a mindful parent throughout the entire process to make the transition easy for your children.

Divorce In The Military – Armed Forces Pensions Explained

With the frequent separations and the stresses of life in the UK armed forces, it is no surprise that divorce rates for soldiers are much higher than those of civilian couples (double, in fact). Long deployments in foreign countries are cited as the main reason for many marriage issues and breakdowns, and even when a couple have decided to call it a day, there is still the stress of going through a lengthy divorce – especially if there are children involved. If you’re in the military and are going through a separation, there are several specialist military lawyers out there who can help you, but here is some brief information on what happens when it comes to a frequent issue with military divorce: that of forces pensions.

How Armed Forces Pensions Get Dealt With During Divorce

A pension – including a UK forces pension – is considered as an income stream, and there are several ways of dealing with them if you’re currently going through a divorce:

• Offsetting. One party will be compensated for the loss of the pension by receiving a bigger share of other available assets, such as their house – depending on the value of the pension and assets. Often this leads to a revaluation of the pension in an attempt to increase its value.

• Pension Sharing Order. In this case, part of the pension is taken and paid into a pension for the other spouse, with the rest of the contributions from the military personnel going solely to their pension.

• Pension Attachment Orders. This is where the spouse receives either a lump sum or a portion of the income directly from the pension administrators (once the pension is in payment).

 Getting Advice On Your Armed Forces Pension

If you need professional advice on what to do in terms of your armed forces pension, you will need to provide some specific information to your chosen solicitor or firm of lawyers (ensure that they have experience in military law and pensions in particular before you do this). First of all, you will need to provide the date you joined the pension scheme (armed forces pensions differ depending on when you started), and if you have changed your pension at any time during your career. You’ll also need to provide extra info if the pension is in payment: your CETV (Cash Equivalent Transfer Value) or CEB (Cash Equivalent Benefit). This will need to be requested from the scheme’s administrators, and it could take some time for the information to come through.

Seeking Help While Away From Home

A specialist solicitor with experience with military law will be able to advise you on what is the best option for you and your spouse concerning military pensions as well as any other aspect of divorce. Military divorce lawyers understand that you may be trying to initiate a divorce while in a foreign country, and therefore most will keep in contact with you via phone, email and even webcam if you are unable to meet in person. This can take a lot of the stress away from getting divorced, allowing you to get on with your military duties while the divorce is in progress. You can also get discounted rates from some firms if you are a current serving member of the armed forces.

Tim Bishop is senior partner of Bonallack and Bishop – specialist armed forces divorce solicitors with extensive experience of divorce  involving military pensions for forces personnel serving in the UK and overseas. For expert legal advice visit their specialist websites at http://militarydivorce.co.uk or http://www.armedforcesdivorce.co.uk  or call them on 01722 422300.

What We Can Learn From Celebrity Divorces

Celebrity DivorceThese days, it seems as if more and more couples are getting divorced. This is especially true when it comes to celebrities, whose marriages—and break-ups—are often front-page news. While some individuals believe that celebrities serve only as a form of entertainment, others suggest that couples may be able to learn something from their frequent divorces. In fact, celebrities may not only teach us how to keep a marriage stable, but also how to separate in a peaceful and respectful manner.

Communication is Crucial

If celebrities have taught us anything when it comes to maintaining a happy marriage, it is that communication is crucial. Proper communication not only helps individuals teach their partner about their wants and needs, but also assists when it comes to the development of stronger listening skills. Unfortunately, celebrities—and for that matter, non-celebrities—have the habit of demanding their desires, without considering those of their partner. Talking each and every day with one’s husband or wife is a must when it comes to managing expectations and maintaining a long and happy marriage together.

Take Your Time

There is no question that the prospect of getting married can be very exciting—especially when one believes that they are deeply in love with their partner. However, it seems as if many celebrities choose to “jump into” marriage before they have a strong understanding of the traits and personalities of their partner. Most marriage experts agree that men and women should take their time when it comes to getting to know their significant other before choosing to pursue a legal commitment. When it can be difficult to prolong the dating process, it may be crucial when it comes to avoiding divorce in the future.

Know When It’s Over

Despite the best efforts of many celebrities, some marriages simply weren’t made to last. And when a couple agrees that the end is near, they may also benefit by looking to celebrities for some tips and recommendations. While many celebrities do try to put on a good front for the sake of their fans and children, this may not be the best plan when it comes to the health of their family. In fact, the Huffington Post suggests that trying to keep a marriage together simply for the sake of children may actually do more harm than good in the long run.

Lawyers Aren’t All Bad

Finally, celebrity divorces have shown us that—despite their less than stellar reputation—many lawyers are not as bad as they are depicted. In fact, experts agree that having an experienced lawyer who is familiar with family law is crucial when it comes to surviving and thriving during the divorce process. Individuals who have never worked with a lawyer in the past may want to consider speaking with friends and family to identify a skilled and professional legal team. Interviewing a lawyer before making a financial commitment can be useful when it comes to finding the right professional for the job.